i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
