ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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