Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
