Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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