I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
