I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
