My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I am one with the molecules
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
