I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
