You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
