i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
