as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
