Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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