I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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