I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
