Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
