We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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