Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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