Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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