A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
