airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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