I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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