why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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