Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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