I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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