you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
