Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
