You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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