I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
