that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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