Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
