The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I have already put on my inside pants.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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