I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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