Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
