I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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