Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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