Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
