Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
