I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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