My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
