At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
