Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
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Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
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I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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