my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
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