when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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