i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
