somebody snuck up and got me drunk
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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