Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
its not stalking. its research.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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