you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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