remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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