So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
