I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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