kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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