if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
