I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
