Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
