Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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