I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Randomize
