dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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