her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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