I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
