Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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