i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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